Lecture Feedback v3

Tags

Education, Ending the Stigma, First Responders, History, Lectures, Mental Health, Trauma

Feedback will be in “quotes,” any notes from me will be in [square brackets]. The code is to keep students anonymous and reminds me of the semester, year, and the random number assigned to each page. Feedback from students is entirely voluntary – while there were only 30 in attendance (winter storm) – below is the feedback submitted at the next class on November 12th (lower attendance due to worse weather conditions).

Monday, November 11th, 2019, topic “Violence, Trauma, and Mental Health”, Violence in Society course, 3rd & 4th year students, Criminology Department, Ryerson University.

RU01A2019: “Christine, thank you for the informative and passionate presentation, yesterday, Monday, November 11th. I could tell that mental health and advocating for those struggling with mental health challenges, especially members of the LGBTQ2S communities, as well as educating people on the topic and relevant information is very important to you. I found the presentation to be sad as I have family members who struggle with mental health, and hearing about others’ struggles makes me think of them. Furthermore, it is discouraging what people do, the hate crimes against LGBTQ2S people, people of colour within those communities, and against first responders, especially in cases of sanctuary trauma. I wanted to ask what your thoughts are on people with mental health challenges reading books about the struggles of other people. My family member mentioned that she finds it hard, but I decided not to ask because I figured the answer would be depends on the purpose of the book. Thank you again for the presentation. Two things I am taking away from it is to show empathy for others (and what each of the letters stand for), and to keep in mind when my cognitive biases are affecting my perception. I applaud your work entirely, but especially your work with police as we know this is very much needed.”

[On reading books about mental health – the better publishers will include the appropriate trigger warnings at the start of a book. Such is the case in Brainstorm Revolution, so that people can choose to read or not, the stories within. I find it unfair to spring things on people who are working on their growth and resiliency. Don’t force it, work with what works best in each case.]

RU02A2019: “I would like to take the opportunity to thank you for speaking to our Violence in Society class and sharing your personal experiences that you encountered. The presentation allowed me to gain insight on the history of violence that took place in the United States, all of which I knew nothing about, and the affect it had on the LGBTQ communities. It made me realize that as individuals, we do not know what another person’s life experiences are like, and that we should not be so quick to judge. Instead, we should come together as one and support each other.”

RU03A2019: “Hi Christine, thank you so much for your presentation yesterday. My favourite part was when you asked people to stand up and declare that we would all like to contribute to making the world a better, safer, and more inclusive place for EVERYONE.”

[The hero exercise near the end is always popular, see graphic below from Unconventional Love Stories – Barrie, Ontario – Valentine’s Day 2019]

RU04A2019: “The lecture was very informative. I appreciated you sharing your own stories, I believe that will help people gain a better perspective. The statistics were also very useful. You are clearly very passionate about these issues and it is good to see that your presentation helps people that may not be ready to have that “uncomfortable” conversation about issues. Thank you so much for sharing your stories, Christine.”

[I was pleased to be able to squeeze in 50 years of history in 90 minutes of lecture.]

RU05A2019: “The lecture was very insightful on issues related to violence against LGBTQ individuals. Through your experiences and the cases you mentioned, I have become much more educated on the issues these groups face. In future, I would like to hear a great deal more about racial/ethnic minorities and the violence they face. I would like more specifics on types and statistics.”

[Unfortunately, there are not a lot of cases publicly available for discussion. Statistics still remain sketchy at best, as much is underreported in case files. See recent story from The Guardian (published the day after the lecture) about highest number of hate crimes in the United States in 16 years according to FBI.]

RU06A2019: “Christine, thank you for coming in to visit and speak with our class. I very much enjoyed your lecture and found it very inspiring. I think it is always a good thing to learn about the struggles of others and found the presentation very educational. Even with having heard about a lot of the history before, I still learned something new, and it helped me to remember pieces I had forgotten. I liked the way you ended things on a positive note as well, since the material discussed in class can be upsetting, and can at times leave you feeling hopeless afterward. Thank you.”

RU07A2019: “Christine, thank you for coming in and sharing your story. It takes courage to be able to speak about and re-live those dark times from the past, however, in doing so you have inspired and shown us that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’m also thankful that you spoke so candidly about racialization — I’m sure in doing this that you have educated at least one ignorant person — and as a black woman I am thankful for that especially. I, myself, was able to learn and educate myself from your lecture about matters in the LGBTQ communities that I was probably ignorant about, as well. Overall, I want to thank you for coming in, inspiring and educating — I hope you continue to move in this positive light to share your story and knowledge with many more students! Thank you!”

[I cannot speak for folks, but I can point out the inequities and amplify their voices constantly.]

The last slide, and my favourite story to share, about my chosen sister, Nat, and I sharing a moment and reminding each other of our usual three words, “I’ve got you.” It fits with a promise we made some time ago, and we always end our conversations with it, “I’ll love you forever and a million days more.” We still share this photo when asked, for those working on the front lines, when they need a reminder that love still exists after a rough shift.

Imagine my delight when trudging through the snowstorm for a post-lecture lunch, when we were seated, my professor said, I thought the lecture you gave last year was your best ever, but today, you set the bar even higher, everything about today was perfect! I’d say from the feedback on the day of, and reading the few who sent something written, I got my *one* who got something important from the lecture. Next week I’ll be at Humber Lakeshore with a Police Foundations class, and that lecture will cover history and how to be the best you can be when you’re out there.

Lecture Feedback v2

Tags

Education, Ending the Stigma, In This Together, Inspiration, Lectures, Mental Health, Trauma

As typically happens, life has been very busy, so many things on the go, and a lot to work on in my own post-traumatic growth. I was asked to put together a biography/CV for an ongoing project, and while looking for examples of feedback from my talks, classes, and lectures, I remembered these, which I had not looked at since last year.

My goal is to always reach “the one” each time. I truly love it when I can reach more than one who needed to hear the message that what you are experiencing is normal, you are not alone, we are all in this together.

This adds to the post, Reading Lecture Feedback from early 2018.

Feedback will be in “quotes,” any notes from me will be in [square brackets]. The code is to keep students anonymous and reminds me of the semester, year, and the random number assigned to each page. Feedback from students is entirely voluntary, while there was close to 100 in attendance, below are the submitted feedback.

November 5, 2018, 8:00 am class, Christine solo presenter, topic “Victimization, Trauma, and Mental Health.”

RU01A2018: “Did a good job at telling her story. Incorporation of humour made it more interesting to listen to so early in the morning. Did a good job explaining, but some PowerPoint slides were hard to see. Overall was a very interesting presentation.”

[We will cut some of the data intensive graphics and use a few bullet points instead.]

RU02A2018: “I really enjoyed your presentation and you have provided us with many insights and knowledge. You are passionate about what you do and we can see it through your eyes. I am very passionate about social justice issues that you have discussed with us and you have inspired me to keep standing up for what I believe in. Also, you are very courageous for talking about what you have gone through. I hope one day I can do the same.”

RU03A2018: “Thank you for sharing your story with us last week. I feel more knowledgeable about what struggles LGBTQ communities face on a daily basis and how society can move forward and make necessary changes to create a more positive and safe world. Your presentation was great and the message you were trying to convey came across very effectively. Thank you for your honesty and bravery throughout your presentation.”

RU04A2018: “I thought that her presentation provided me with a lot of important information and facts about things that I did not know. I appreciated her personal connections and interest in the things that she talked about because I felt like she cared a lot about those topics and she was allowing us to take an interest in something that is very important to her. I also appreciated that although it was a very tough subject to both talk and learn about, she was able to lighten the situation and made us laugh throughout her presentation. I would like to say thank you for her time and sharing her stories with us.”

RU05A2018: “I really appreciated your lecture last week as it really opened my eyes to things that I was aware of, but wasn’t fully aware of how much it affects people’s lives. You were really engaged and explained everything very clearly. It was a pleasure hearing everything you had to say. I wish you luck with everything.”

RU06A2018: “Thank you so much for coming in and sharing some of your deepest secrets. It was hard for me not to hold back my emotions because I felt every emotion you were describing. I think you’re so inspirational and after graduation I wish to be doing exactly what you are, helping people on a greater scale. I used to get panic attacks and I suffered for a few years because I didn’t know how to deal with my trauma. My ex was never supportive and I recently ended things and got out of a toxic relationship, so your presentation was great timing. Keep doing what you’re doing because you inspire so many people with your beautiful soul.”

RU07A2018: “I really enjoyed your presentation last week at Ryerson. I think what you taught us is extremely important, and so is telling your story. I learned a lot of things, for example, I did not realize how high the suicide rates were for first responders and LGBTQ youth. I also did not know what an ACE score was, and I think that it is an important thing to know. Thank you for sharing your story and your knowledge!”

RU08A2018: “The presentation was very insightful and I learned quite a lot, not only about the mental health issues that the public and first responders face, but also how I can support or guide someone who may need help to the right resources. I also was especially inspired by Christine’s courage and strength to share her experiences with us. Although we face great struggles and setbacks in the mental health sphere, it is great to see those with first-hand experience working to change the landscape.”

RU09A2018: “I was really moved by your story and lecture last week. I wasn’t aware how severe and real the struggles that LGBTQ people face were, on a daily basis. It was very informative and eye-opening. Thank you for sharing your experiences, it’s made an impact on me. Please continue to do what you do.”

RU10A2018: “Thank you for coming in as a guest speaker to talk about how victimization and mental health correlate. It was also interesting to listen to you about the Adverse Childhood Experiences and gaining more knowledge about it, as it is something that I do want to get into with young children before and after entering the justice system. Also, thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences of victimization as it speaks out to many!”

RU11A2018: “Great insights on trauma, mental health and such. Appreciated personal connections between yourself and the material that were made. Passionate and caring about what was being talked about. Held my attention while speaking.”

RU12A2018: “Thank you very much for taking the time to come and speak to us. Beyond the academic nature of the material, I particularly valued how open and honest you were in general and with respect to your personal circumstances. As someone who has experienced a significant amount of trauma, particularly childhood trauma growing up, I found your talk about Adverse Childhood Experiences and your summary of that research particularly energizing and relevant. I find guest lecturing to be some of the most useful content. Thank you again.”

RU13A2018: “Thank you for coming in and talking. The topics you discussed were really heavy and often shocking, but it was a great learning experience. You made really clear points and I could understand the topics really well.”

RU14A2018: “Presentation was engaging, interesting, and thought-provoking. Presenter was relatable, talked about issues/details that are typically not discussed. Presenter was comfortable talking about difficult subjects in a frank, straightforward manner. Presenter gave ample warning before starting her presentation to ensure no one was offended or caught off guard.”

RU15A2018: “Very insightful. Passionate speaker who has experience in the topic of discussion, which allows for an overall better representation of issues. Information not only valid, but also puts things into perspective. Engaging. Overall great!”

RU16A2018: “The presentation was detailed. Represented all the issues properly with detailed examples. I personally got insight into the life of an LGBTQ person, although not all, but at least one. Now that I know what I can do through the knowledge you supplied to us last week, I will make a conscious effort to help in my own little way. Thank you.”

RU17A2018: “It was very interesting to hear about violence in the LGBTQ community from someone involved in the community herself. The statistics were shocking and really shed light on the terrors that these people often face. I thought Christine did an excellent job of relating to her audience and really emphasized how much community-based assistance is available for anyone struggling with mental health issues or PTSD. Of course, she focused on LGBTQ people, but really spoke to all people, not just one community, as well as making everyone feel like there is hope if one is going through something. Overall, I really enjoyed it.”

RU18A2018: “I think it was really informative and a shock to hear. I was on the fence before about working on the police force, but after hearing your talk, I really want to help others. Thank you so much for coming to talk with us!”

RU19A2018: “The guest speaker was very informative about the subjects and genuinely cared about the topic of discussion. Sharing her own personal story surely gave students the courage to confront their own struggles and possible past abuses. The guest speaker also seemed to genuinely want to help victims and provided information for students seeking help.”

RUProfA2018: “You have been lecturing in my classes for 5 years now. From the dozens of lectures you have delivered, that has to be, without a doubt, the best lecture you have ever done!”

Now you know why I love what I do, even after all these years. We must continue to share our stories and eradicate the stigma around mental health and wellness.

A quick note from my recent travels out to western Canada to deliver some talks and lectures. I had completed a lecture, the focus was the multi-stigma or compound stigma environment for LGBTQ folks and LGBTQ first responders when battling mental illness. No slideshow, no multimedia, just this comical curmudgeon telling stories. A typical format is lecture, Q&A, and then I stay to chat one on one with anyone who was uncomfortable discussing something in front of the group.

This young woman was waiting, and when she stepped up … speaking a little hesitatingly at first, and then it came out in a torrent – “I thought I was the only one who felt like this … I thought I couldn’t say anything because nobody would understand … I have been so ashamed about this …” and I reminded her that she is not alone, we truly are in this together, and there is support out there, after you take the first step of talking to someone. She began to cry, and my heart broke for her multiple times in that moment. I couldn’t hold my own emotions in check, and I cried with her. My host remarked as we were driving to the next event on the schedule, that the true image of these few days will be seeing the two of us hugging and crying. They said that one moment spoke volumes about why our work is so important, the stigma is still huge and we need to keep sharing our stories, particularly the hope that recovery and growth IS possible.

Remember to love each other intensely, and may you shine.

Christine 💙💙

The Last Narration

Tags

First Responders, Mental Health, PTSD, Trauma, Understanding

This is the first time in years that I will post something on this date. I prefer to avoid it as much as possible. I wrote something years ago, but have no idea where it went. So, rather than answer the question dozens of times today, sit back with a coffee and I’ll tell you a story, and it will be the last time I’ll tell it.

The pictures are a few that I had without people in the foreground. Those folks are memories that are mine only. I had a new camera, it was the 90s, and this fancy-arsed bit of gear could take photos in three different sizes (from 3×5 up to panorama) by flipping a switch on the bottom of the camera. Film was in a sealed container, you put it in the camera, pressed a button, everything auto-loaded. The negatives were still in the container when you got your prints back, you had a 3×5 print with thumbnails of the photos on that roll. Pretty nifty technology for the times, considering digital photography was still some ways off, and cell phones at the time, made phone calls and that was all they did.

It’s why I avoid the 24 hour constant drumbeat of the various things today, that will flood the media and online sites.

I used to work in Tower 1, and had actually been there the week prior to 9/11 because of a last minute change in scheduling, otherwise I would have been making my way that morning from the World Trade Centre Marriott, out for a coffee and cigarettes with the usual crew, and then heading upstairs to get busy. It was one of two companies that I worked for at that time.

I enjoyed the corner of the floor that we had. If I leaned back in my chair at the right angle, I could look out the window, through the gap between two other buildings, and watch the ships in the river.

That fountain, I recall it being placed in a park after the attacks, as a place for people to meet up and check in. It’s where we would gather for lunch or breaks, or if working late enough, dinner, and enjoy the sights and sounds and the multitude of languages that sounded like a chorus in the area. And always the space for all of us smokers (we were many more in that era!) to gather and laugh and could spare a light and a cig for someone who came out without theirs.

Or the guy behind the counter at a local deli, at the old offices in Murray Hill, saying to my friend Tasnim, “c’mon sweetheart, I ain’t here for my good looks, pick up the pace!” That typical New York ‘tude. Little did he know that she could give as good as she got, and they became fast buddies and would razz each other mercilessly when we popped in for a bagel and a coffee. The move to the WTC was such a big thing for everyone, bright sparkly new office space, all new furniture and equipment. You know the drill.

This morning, 9/11/01, nice sunny day, clear skies, and I am into the office in the financial district in Toronto extra early, had a technician from one of my vendors in, and we were hard at work in the computer room from early in the morning.

I had popped out to get something out of my desk, saw my phone was ringing, and it was Mom’s office number. I answered, and she said, “is there a radio near you?” No, nothing like that, open concept. “How about a television?” Lunch room beside the computer room, it should be on by now. “Good, go put CNN on quick as you can, and call me right back!!”

I walked into the lunch room just as the second plane hit, live on the news.

DAFUQ??!!

Immediately, my thought was, what the hell are they running some SciFi movie at this time of the morning for??

Then they replayed the first plane strike and the fireball, then the second, then the first again.

If anyone wonders, when they share pictures of the planes exploding into the towers … that’s triggering as hell.

I went back to my desk and was just reaching for the phone when my vendor’s tech came out and said, they were just paged, everybody to evacuate downtown and return to their offices north of the city. Sent him on his way and called Mom back. “When are you leaving? I’ll meet you at the train.” They haven’t said shit about anyone leaving yet … far as I know, we’re still working all day. “Fuck!! Okay, the second they let you go, call me and I’ll meet you at the train!” Mom’s offices had moved from near the airport out to the very west end of Mississauga in those years.

Some people said bollocks, and weren’t going to wait for management to get their finger outta their asses, packed up and split. Just to be sure, we had a quick meeting for the key people in I.T. to go over having to do a rapid shutdown of the computer room. Called up to the call centre and asked them to re-record the panic button announcement. As I would discover in the next hour, they all split without doing it, and put up the standard holiday announcement. UGH!!! By this point, there are a handful of I.T. folks still in the offices, as we start the orderly shutdown of all the gear.

At one point, we figured, we may be quite a while, may as well split into shifts and go downstairs and grab some lunch. They had just renovated the food courts and had these fancy-arsed new flat screen televisions and we could see what the hell was going on while we wolfed down some food. We were startled by people running at top speed while screaming at full volume, through the PATH system towards transit stations. Really? Likely too much panic and misinformation on the media causing it.

By this point, back upstairs, spot the developers manager, ask him to stand by me and listen, I’m going to record an emergency closed announcement for the phone systems, main number and call centre, soon as I finish, I’ll pass you the receiver, say what I just said, only in French (my high school French was rusty and sounded horrendous). Another crisis handled. Whew! Working in I.T. on Bay Street for a few decades, you get used to speaking in a dull monotone while dealing with shit happening all around you.

Then an e-mail hits every computer in every office worldwide. A storefront office of ours near the WTC has sent a message to GROUP: ALL.

Is there anyone still alive? We have a class of grade 1 kids and their teacher locked in the store with us. What do we do? Is there anyone there? Help!

Even now, that memory sends chills throughout me. Cellphones are down, voice lines are jammed, data circuits are sketchy… much of NYC ran through the WTC site. Because our systems had redundancies built upon redundancies, we had multiple back-ups. Reply sent from the UK head office, “Stay in place, NYPD or NYFD will come and get you and the children … we will get a message to them. Stay safe. London out.”

Computer room brought down, ready to leave. The two of us remaining walk through the building lobby heading for Bay and King Streets. We get outside, and there is NOT A SOUND. The streets are empty. The only thing we see are police cars parked on an angle in the intersections, and officers with long guns in hand. That’s when things got weird, because you just don’t ever see that in Canada, at least, at that time.

Union Station was a zoo. We both are on the same line going west, and they post our train on the board. Probably wise that we waited, it took some time to get crews in to get the trains rolling again. Call Mom and let her know I’m due to leave downtown.

Meet at the station, we head home, and between answering my pagers, making phone calls, and dialling in through the lock and key modems to wake up the phone system, you just sit stunned and watch things unfold on the television.

And the media played those scenes over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

Finally crash around 3 am, when the phones and pagers go quiet. Up at 5, back on the road downtown, have already started a remote power up and boot process, should be just about finished when I get to the office, fire up the UNIX systems, and we’re good to go … oh, and remember to talk to the call centre manager about the epic clusterfuck from the day before.

We were due to launch a new teleconferencing and video system that week. Call from US law enforcement, can we use your servers? Absolutely, I’ll call the vendor, they’re yours for as long as you need. Calls from our east coast offices, we have plane people, can we get approval for expenses for necessities. Yup! All the big brass (aka mahogany row) were overseas for meetings, so, we did a lot on our own initiative from Toronto (because it’s easier to ask for forgiveness after).

Three weeks after the attack, a few of our folks had not returned to work, there was no word on their missing family member who had worked in the upper 20 floors of Tower 2. And then, the new owners, with 9/11 as their excuse, laid off 85% of the staff in Toronto and New York.

Talk about a corporate rogering … and we never even got kissed first.

Snapped up by a headhunter a few months later, on the promise, sworn oath, that I would not have to travel. No, only once a year at most.

I was on a frigging plane every week. Until SARS hit. Then they canned any staff under quarantine who could not travel. Grandma was declining rapidly and was on death’s doorstep. Paramedics scooped and ran with her multiple times until the hospital finally admitted her, and we were quarantined in case of SARS-related illnesses. So much for that job, but at least no more flying for me.

Two French brothers were making a documentary and were in the midst of all of it. Watched it twice when it aired. That was enough. That desk in the lobby, I recall laughing with the security guard there. Or the morning, walking over from the WTC Marriott, seeing and hearing fire alarms, firefighters gathered around that desk, while we were escorted outside – fire in the food court underground had filled the lobby and the first few floors with smoke. The church where they took Father Judge after the first collapse. Have sat in there in quiet thought. Twice was enough, no more, because THE WORST part was the “whummmp!!” sound of the bodies impacting outside the building, those who had been forced to jump from 80+ stories up to avoid being burned to death. At the time of writing this, I still get triggered by slammed doors, drawers, etc., because those sounds recall that impact noise, and I feel ready to jump out of my skin.

I recall meeting the wife and daughter of a gentleman lost in the towers that day, all from Toronto, and his wife’s words have stuck with me to this day. As soon as we start to get past this nightmare, the annual grief orgy comes up again, and we are stuck reliving every single horror of that day, while people obsess over every detail. They also tune out, because their loved one was in Windows On The World that morning, the restaurant on the top floor, and every time they see the image of the fireballs emerging from the towers, they relive that entire day in an instant.

I get it. She had a good cry, and we chatted, had a few laughs, and went our separate ways, and her words have stayed with me ever since.

So, that’s why I typically don’t write about this, this is an exception, and I will never hash it out at length again. I have my memories from there with me always, and we remember those lost on that day, and in the intervening years from the most horrendous illnesses from working on “the pile”.

I haven’t set foot down there since 2001. I received a message from a treasured friend this morning, “The Girl Tribe will take you back when you’re ready.”

Those who are silent today, are reliving memories, and still dealing with stuff. Give them space, they’ll be back to themselves tomorrow. Trust me on that. One long-time friend relives the moment as the second tower collapse was happening, running away from the growing dark cloud, feeling like her lungs would burst. They prefer not to have to relive it constantly either.

With love, sunbeams, kitten dreams, and, in memory of those no longer present.

Christine 🙏🏼💙💙

On Being a Survivor

Tags

Dissociation, Mental Health, My Story, PTSD, Stigma, Trauma, Violence

This will not be an easy read, kittens. Let’s get that out there right up front.

Before I begin, I must give you multiple TRIGGER WARNINGS.

This post will discuss violence, sexual assault, trauma, rape, bullying, and, suicide. If any of this might trigger you, I would strongly suggest that you close your browser window or scroll past quickly to another post.

If you have ever sat in any of my lectures, at colleges and universities, you will be familiar with much of what I am about to discuss here. Why publish it now? Because some people need to hear this to be able to understand. Some to understand that they are not alone and that I, and my soul sisters, we get it, and as much as we wish the club would never add another member, we know that it does multiple times per hour. Some to understand that violence causes trauma which in turn can cause other issues, and people will act or react in certain ways because of it.

There are certain aspects and things from my past that I have never discussed and likely never would in any environment. Literally I have one or two people (thank you Katherine 💙💙) who I feel comfortable with discussing those things because they’ve been there too.

Before digging in, again, I’m reminding you of the TRIGGER WARNINGS.

Let us begin.

Let’s drop in the first slide for discussion…

From the first day of school until I graduated from grade 13, bullying was a constant. Daily, hourly, without end. I dreaded school, hated every single second of it. It was due to this that between the ages of 9 and 10 I was diagnosed with anxiety. My memory is not what it used to be, so if you want the term used in the 70s, feel free to hit Google. High Strung. Nervous. “Sensitive”. Ugh. Add in a diagnosis of depression in my teens. When I look over the top of my glasses at some “expert” it’s usually because I’m thinking, “listen cleverarse, I’ve been living with this for fucking near 40 years now… been there, done that, didn’t want the fucking t-shirt, ‘k?” Was there any peace at home? No. This was a time when my Mum was working 2 jobs and she never knew what went on until many, many, years later. What one teacher did discover, for years, the ring leader behind it had been my sister, egged on by her father (he had a psychotic hatred of both Mum and me). They offered to move me to another school to finish grade 13. Hardly worth it by that time… just get to June, give me my diploma, and I’ll never darken the bloody halls of this place ever again.

Oh, the anxiety and depression? Treated, but not really successfully at all. Other physical issues began to show up over the years. More on that later. Suffice it to say, being physically ill before having to leave for school was a daily thing. And the thought of it on Sunday nights would cause multiple issues.

There was the usual nonsense over the years, and one evening in my 30s, the anxiety went off the charts without warning, and I was gasping for air. I didn’t know it in the moment, but I was having a full-blown panic attack. I literally felt like I was about to die. I’m used to them now, if there is such a thing as becoming used to that, but, I have tools to manage them now that I never had access to then. What would lay you out on the floor curled in a ball, I may get a slight twitch in one eye while I’m talking myself through it.

8 years ago, January 2010, Mum had been sick, but couldn’t figure out what. Waking up to her paralyzed down her right side one morning set off a cascade of events. Two weeks later those words. “You have terminal brain cancer. You have 6 weeks to live. Unless you sign up for this experimental program, you should go home and get your affairs in order.”

It had always been just the two of us, and that’s how she would slip away quietly in July of that year, just the two of us in her room, I was holding her hand, she gave it a squeeze and she was gone. I still have all those what if’s in my mind, and the if only’s. Mum wanted to die at home… could not do that for her, by May she was beyond what I could manage for her medically at home, with a visiting nurse in every day. I spent days and nights with her in Palliative Care, as my voice was the only one she would respond to. While I was busy taking care of her and hoping she would have an easy path to the next life, I never knew that family were busily emptying her accounts and stripping anything of value from the apartment. I had to stop working to look after her, and once she slipped away quietly after midnight, I went into automatic mode.

My friend of many years said he was surprised I was so emotionless throughout it all. I had to be. It was my natural state of being functional, I turned all that off in my childhood. Mum would say I was 40 since I was 5, and 50 since I was 20. It’s true. Experiences over the years pushed me further and further back into my shell, and it’s rare that anyone caught a glimpse of me, let alone see behind the defences I had been constructing for years to keep people at a safe distance. I had learned, if you let them in, you will get hurt, and not just a bruise, but fucked up in multiple ways. The people who are close to me now, who have seen behind the mask, behind the walls, they are indeed special for me to let them get that close. That’s the emotionless part, the being “terribly English, stiff upper lip and all that…” and the rest of the assorted sillybuggers that goes with it. I needed to function and get things done, that was what mattered. I could have a meltdown later when there was nobody around to see or hear me.

By the time I had wrapped up the estate, I had been out of work for over a year, and people forget you exist quickly in my old career field. There was no fast way back to making a buck, and I ended up losing our apartment. Where we had lived for 35 years. The place Mom had begged me to promise her that no matter what I would stay there. Yeah. Stellar. First suicide attempt. Ended up on the street with a bag of clothes and my cat. Family stood on the sidelines and watched it happen and never made a move. But I hear they had a field day when they could take the remaining contents and made a big show out of dumping photos in the garbage dumpsters out back.

After a couple of nights out on the street, make it to a shelter where I can keep my cat with me… she’s all I have left, adopted her at 6 weeks old, and she’s 8 at this time. Then I discovered the hell on earth that is our city’s shelter system. Violence is a daily fact of life. Street drugs were everywhere and used openly in front of staff who just didn’t care. Being assaulted in the bathrooms was standard procedure. And there is no easy way to couch this, so I’ll just drop in the next slide here…

I was raped. At knifepoint. By somebody wrecked on drugs. I reported it to the office the morning after. They did everything shy of laugh about it. What I was told though, “You can call the police if you like, but you’ll lose your bed, and your cat will go to the Humane Society.”

I said nothing. Did nothing.

After the third time being raped that week, I stopped caring. I could not safely sleep in my room, and I would sit up all night long in the common area. I knew there was no help from the staff. After being awake for almost 72 hours, I took an overdose. Suicide attempt #2. I was apparently discovered convulsing on my bed. Taken to hospital, and they did whatever they had to do, and once I could stand up, I was given a bus token and discharged and sent back. Without shoes. In a rainstorm.

I shut down completely.

I stopped talking, functioning, eating. I was so full of medications prescribed by ER doctors from recent panic attacks, I was like a zombie. It was the only way to get through it, I knew there was zero help available from staff, I just kept looking for a place to escape there. Even my cat was not spared abuse. And again, taking her to the office, missing her fur and skin above her right eye was not enough for them to do anything. Her vet made an emergency appointment when I sent them an e-mail, and she took pictures and reported it to the OSPCA. Staff didn’t want to believe that one of their frequent flyers would do this. My vet confirmed it.

Finally find a place, but would need a roommate to cover the rent. Fine, don’t care, just let me out of this hellhole. By the time the fourth roommate had moved in during the first year (they didn’t last too long, either new girlfriend and move in together, or in one case I asked one to leave, and two others skipped with unpaid rent). Roomie #4 was “entertaining” one evening, and I had gone to a local coffee shop to wait it out. The coffee shop employees decided they were going to close up early because the owner wasn’t around. Go for a walk to wait for a text message that all is clear, I can go home. Not fully paying attention to what was around me, never heard somebody come up behind me… and here’s where another slide goes…

I don’t have much memory of it, beyond being hauled down to the sidewalk from behind by my purse strap… I had during this, dissociated, from what my therapist told me. The incident was enough to turn off, step outside of myself and watch it from a distance. I managed to make it home that night, and within a day or so was bruised from shoulder to hips down one side. I was getting pressured to report it, but, without much detail to work from, why bother? I already had the seeds planted from before that you can’t report this, or else. (Goes back much further than I’ve ever told before.) And as many times as I was urged to file a report, I literally had next to no memory of it, beyond the bruising and a few little snippets here and there. Of course, in the interim, any Canadian woman can say one name to you, and when you hear it, will instantly understand why reporting is dismal — Ghomeshi. Reference that case and see why reporting doesn’t happen.

And yet, here I stand, 4 years later, still functioning, still teaching, still lecturing, still writing, still doing the work I do best with the people I enjoy being around most. Know what? They all wear uniforms. Of all my experiences in 55 years on the planet, the one place that I have consistently been welcomed with open arms has been where I spend my time and energy working to make change happen.

And one more thing, I was able to be weaned off all the medications I was on at that time. Over 30 pills a day to just get through another 24 hours. I was lucky, I had an amazing therapist, who wanted to help out before she retired. If not for her, I am sure there would have been a third suicide attempt. Also where I was diagnosed with PTSD (later on Complex PTSD as well, but I just use PTSD, it’s simpler). And after years of zero success in managing all the various physical ailments on top of anxiety and depression, once we started treating PTSD, the physical issues went away, and the anxiety and depression became manageable. Do I still struggle some days? Absolutely. But, my chosen sister, my soul sister, Natalie, has helped so much (love you forever and a million days more, Sis). She encouraged me to speak about all of this, not just the highlights, but the ups and downs and the struggles, to lay myself bare to help another. She battles PTSD, as does our other sister. And we are all still standing, still battling, and we all fight the same battles every day. We are still here. We are winning. We are survivors. We are warriors.

I love this graphic, the Survivor Psalm.

I have used it in lectures, seminars, and talks.

It helps me to distinguish the difference between victim and survivor.

I have friends who have been through similar hells on earth. And I know exactly what moment that something has triggered their traumas and they have gone from survivor back to victim. And we gather and lift them up until they can move forward as a survivor again.

Please, I’m asking you, never refer to me as a victim. I have seen hell and made it to the other side. I’m a survivor, and don’t you forget it.

For those whom I hoped would see this and be able to make it through to here: I see you, I honour you, I understand you. I am proud of your bravery. You are a survivor too. You can get there, I know you can. It seems impossible now, but persist, I can promise you, it is better when you can claim your survivor status proudly.

For the rest of you, kittens, I send my love, hugs, and a hope that you can take something from this and make the world a better place.

The one thing all humans want is to make a difference. I hope somebody gets that from this post.

I love you. Stay safe. Spread some kindness and happiness around, ‘k?

Love, sunbeams, and kitten dreams.

Christine 🙏🏼💙💙

Triggered, dammit

Tags

Mental Health, PTSD, Stigma, Trauma, Understanding, Violence

Stepping back a bit in time, to Thursday, 3 May.

Let’s begin with a definition of what a trigger is. The graphic above is a good explanation. I also cover triggers and what is and is not a trigger in my lectures and talks. It lays the groundwork for what we will be covering in the time that follows (anything from a 15 minute talk to an 8 hour training seminar).

Again, this is the slide from my lectures:

And I refer back to this because the term has been buried under a lot of nonsense from its overuse. It’s like the valley girl style language when you hear “Oh, that’s so gay,” or one person I know who regularly says, “That’s so OCD!”, and they get the same eye roll from me when they whine “but, I’m so triggered!!” when something in poor taste is seen or heard from mainstream media. D’ya know how often I want to look over my glasses and say “grow up!”

So, what happened?

That total frustration with myself for being triggered, dammit.

There has been a troll operating on social media for some time now, in the guise of a mental health advocate and fighter (all of these tales he tells are 100% fiction). I’ve had my suspicions, and, as I will typically do, began gathering evidence (it’s not a fast process sometimes) to prove or disprove what I had been told. Said individual had been suspended on various platforms multiple times for his attacks, usually focused on women on that platform. There is no need to go into great detail beyond saying it is some of the most vile, ugly, and misogynistic hate that you will encounter online.

I have been keeping an eye on things, and let him do his thing while I watched, and on the 3rd, a friend alerted me to him up to his usual routine, only against someone we all knew. Yes, we all came to her defense, and like your typical snake, he just laid back and slithered around and spat out his venom at unprovoked intervals. You see, on what I post, any time he posted a comment, I just deleted it instantly before it triggered someone who might see it… still didn’t have enough to act yet. This day though, he was playing all his cards of ugliness.

Like most online trolls these days, particularly one who takes as long as this one did to start an all out attack, they do their research on their targets. That’s why this one was so vile, because he would hit the raw spots.

I got to be the target this time as well. Some years back, I was attacked from behind on the street (it was a violent sexual assault). My mind did what it does when stressed beyond the limits and depersonalization occurs (you step outside yourself and observe what’s happening like it is not actually happening to you). The issue with it, nothing is being stored in an area that can be easily recalled at will, and I’m left with only little snippets here and there of the total occurrence. All I had for hard evidence afterward was being bruised from shoulder to hip all down one side where I hit the sidewalk when pulled down from behind.

Following that attack, I was interviewed for a column by a friend who is a reporter, and the one thing I could recall was something that was said during the attack, she asked about it, and I told her what I remembered. It was printed in the article. For some troll digging up what they will attack their victims with, there’s that piece right there if you know where to look for it. Learned my lesson, I never talk about myself in any media interviews if possible.

So, once the troll had finished launching various bits of venom at other people, I was next, and he spat out that one line.

Triggered? Instantly, right back on that sidewalk, hearing those words, in the midst of that attack. Mentally I’m yelling at myself “Not now dammit!!” and trying to control the shaking that was happening. There’s nothing like fighting against your own mind to keep control so you can complete what you were in the middle of. That’s what being triggered is like, it sets of a reaction physically and mentally, it’s like a cascade of things that occur one right after the other. By the time the situation had been handled, I’m not perspiring, I’m frigging sweating, shaking, all the same things as a panic attack, mind is racing, heart is racing, breathing is irregular. When triggered, you relive the event, both mentally and physically.

This all happened in a time much shorter than it has taken you to read this.

Yes, I bounce back quicker than I did when first diagnosed with PTSD in 2012. But, it still pisses me off to the nth degree, because I start pulling my list of “shoulds”. I should be stronger than this, I shouldn’t let this shit trigger me, I should be used to this by now, I should not have given that interview years ago, I should be managing this better, I should not let anyone see this happening, and more. The list is long.

And another frustrating part of it, it’s not like I have not heard that line before, I’ve heard it hundreds of times, but, this time, given what else was happening at the same time, it set me off. It’s like a previous post, I can go out for an event, and have no issues, various buttons might be pushed, but not in the right order or combination to cause an issue. This time, the right buttons, in the right order, and … sigh.

Don’t worry, I still got my shots in with that troll, I don’t do all that research for nothing. One more waste of DNA dealt with. And somebody will say, why not report them to the social media platform. Because, from the day of the internet being opened publicly until now, complaining about abuse online is like yelling into a sewer, it’s a waste of fucking time because nobody is listening. Perhaps one day, the social media platforms will be legally mandated to start cracking down on this. One only has to look at the explosion in the teenage suicide rates to see what’s going on in the connected realm. And, I know, one day Karma will pay a visit, and she’s a severe bitch (leather and stilettos, right?), doesn’t say a word, just hands out what you deserve in no uncertain terms.

The whole thing, 10-15 minutes total. Still frustrated with myself about it. I want that to be one of those things that you take a big swallow of your fizzy water, let out a decent burp, say “what-ever!” and carry on with the day. That’s when I’ll be satisfied. Until then, there’s work to do.

Remember kittens, there is nothing wrong here, so talk about these things. There are a multitude of us out here willing to listen, and to help. We don’t deal in stigma, we work from understanding and love.

Love, sunbeams, and kitten dreams.

Christine ❤️❤️