My heavens but it has been a while since I was last here. Not since June at least. Let’s dive into today’s topic and I’ll bring you up to speed as we go along.
I have mentioned before, that the world exists in language, many things are spoken into existence. My favourite example, two people standing before an officiant to exchange vows, and the officiant then says, “I now pronounce you married, you may kiss your partner,” and these two people are now considered a married couple. What changed? Only one thing, their new status was spoken into existence. And, for the two people, a new conversation has begun.
And there are times when we are so buried by current concerns, issues, challenges, etc., that cause us to develop tunnel vision while we close out the world to focus on dealing with what is right in front of us. New conversations may be possible, but we don’t notice them, we are too swamped with dealing with life. Every now and then, you have to look up, look around, and see what else is out there.
What would it cost you, one asks, to take the time to meet a friend, have a coffee, have a conversation, but most importantly, share time with someone who you always feel better after having spent time with them. It is easier, it always seems, to pull inward, withdraw from the world, when things start to pile up and you can see no path out.
Depression can make that seem absolutely impossible to do. The slightest effort seems to be too much. Getting out of bed feels insurmountable. Small moves are worthy of celebration, any time you can peek out from under the covers, peek out the window, make any move back into the world again, the smallest step out of your deepest abyss, is worthy of note. It is real, every part of depression is real, it’s not something you can just set aside, but, every now and then, you celebrate the little things, even if as simple as getting in the shower.
I had a few readers ask where I got to for a few months. I usually do take time off over the summer, after a very busy year, it’s nice to turn off and do some self-care when possible. I had plans for three or four new articles over the summer besides what I feed to my editors for other sites/magazines. Not this summer though.
If you try to figure these things out, you will drive yourself to distraction as to where, when, and why things occur. This year it was depression calling the shots. After a few years of fighting and pushing to have health care matters move forward, it finally seemed to have hit a place where nothing is happening and nothing is likely to. I had been experiencing growing frustration with the state of things, and finally dropped down from frustrated to defeated. When you reach that point when you wonder why you have been fighting for so long, and every action you take produces zero results, and then you sit and think, “why bother any more, nothing is going to change no matter what I do.”
And then you sink down steadily into the depression even further, until you do not see any way out of it. And with nothing scheduled during time off, having nothing to do provides no reason to get up or get out of bed, why bother. Not much use going out, don’t really want to be around people. IF you have to communicate for something work-related, you paste on a mask and go about handling things, and you feel like you are dying inside. And I have many years of practice of putting up a wall and making people think all is well and no issues when the opposite is true.
The only way to pull out of it was once Labour Day had passed and back into the old schedules again. Delivered a very successful corporate seminar which helped lighten things up. What really did the trick was having dinner with my bestie Ashley that evening. We had known each other for some time before we actually met for the first time in person for coffee and conversation, and it was one of those things where you feel like you have known each other forever. It was a chance for us to get caught up with each other in person, and to have the safe space to discuss what’s really going on in our lives. I truly adore her beyond words and appreciate her friendship also beyond words. The best part is, when we get together like that to talk heart to heart, nothing else exists, we’re in a space all by ourselves…like sitting on a mountaintop.
We parted ways with things to give a try in our lives, and promises to share how things went. Things not quite so dark and dreary as had been all summer long, this is good, finally seeing some light at the end of this path.
Got back into the swing of things again, checking in with friends and making sure those I care about are properly supported. A mutual friend of myself and my “kid sister” Nat, posted this poem after a recent conversation we had. She sent me a note that she wrote it about me… take a look:
I admit, I was so totally touched by this. It was a first time ever, that someone I knew had written some of her poetry about me. This will be one of those things I will keep in a special place so that I see her words every day. The little things mean the world to me.
And had a chat with my friend Des. He had picked up that something was off. I loved his words… we’re warriors, we will never be defeated, we may be deflated temporarily, but never will either of us be defeated. We have fought too hard for too long to let ourselves not win.
And then recently with a treasured friend, having my usual style of conversation, classy, brassy, and sassy (heavy on the sassy!), and mentioned one of those “wouldn’t it be nice if” things. We traded some hilariously funny lines, and then they threw something new out there, an entirely new conversation, a different viewpoint of looking at things, and it came with a very simple message, “Pick me 😁”. I must admit, I did stop and think for a few seconds while mentally thinking, “really?” One of the things that popped into my mind while we further discussed beginning a new conversation was, “wow, someone to go grab a coffee and walk around to look at the fall colours…”
One thing I have learned with my journey to myself, while dealing with C-PTSD and all of it’s associated challenges (depression, anxiety, dissociation, and more), is to be open to looking at a new path to travel, a new way back to me again, and with like-minded people and kindred spirits who want to share the journey. Those are the people who make it all worthwhile.
To conclude, when you want to find a new path to travel, you just have to look to who has said, “Pick me, I know how to start a new conversation.” And before you ask kittens, I did pick that person, a new conversation has begun, and over the coming years we shall see where it takes us. I can promise you this, we will stay safe, will enjoy every moment and have as much fun as we can, without having any idea where the conversation will lead to, but what a journey it will be!!